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Swear I'm Gonna Change

by Lindera

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1.
Indiana 02:05
somewhere along the all consuming flatness of the indiana farmlands i think i lost myself in the longest stretch of highway known to man a semi-paved cavernous stretch of ashpault spanned by cornfields and dotted with monstanto signs the fact that some folks choose to call this home seems almost like they forgot to try and find some place better when all along maybe it’s the lonliness inside me that’s become to comfortable and on that long and silent drive from terre haute to evansville i contemplated is this really the prize and on that long and silent drive from terre haute to evansville i thought is this really all there is before you die maybe it’s my sense of independence that’s been playing with my thoughts or maybe we should turn this van around and go back home maybe we’ve been gone too long maybe i’ve been gone too long
2.
Matchmaker 02:59
i’ve got two more stops and i’ve already fallen in love a few times based solely on her haircut or her pair of canvas shoes and though the book she reads looks extra dry and long she perserveres with her white headphones on maybe i could do that too maybe she’ll wait for me or maybe she’s everything but i’ll never know unless i wait and miss my stop maybe she’ll miss hers and notice i’m from a different town and maybe we can get food somewhere and sit and talk about our hopes fears and ambitions and maybe we could fall in love for real but it’s better i get off at belmont and never say a word but i missed the blue line i’ve been on the wrong train so what’s the harm in looping ‘round again
3.
Housepainter 02:08
there’s times i like to think about that night we painted terra’s house and we touched each other just like other lovers loved to touch each other i thought how could i ever want for more i don’t want anything more than this one night but goddamn i wanted all goddamn i want it all though her and i were never lovers just acquaintences who had a few too many drinks of cherry wine and thought maybe it’d be nice to let go for just one night and sometimes i like to think about that night we painted terra’s house and touched each other just like other lovers loved to touch each other
4.
Deposition 03:34
on the outskirts on the west end of town pulling in to a driveway a long time gone and the scenery thinking about how great it is to be home again been waiting a long time to finally get back to the bed that i’ve been sleeping in for twenty years think about how nice it’ll be to have a hot shower and a hot meal any time i wish there’s part of me that will always wonder if carrying on was a bad choice but i’m glad i didn’t make it i’m glad i stuck with my guts maybe some day i’ll hit the road again and i’ll think about all these times and these memories and friends that i’ve made maybe it’s better if i left or it’s better if i stayed back to the old grind again black shoes black shirt black pants and an apron stand over an espresso machine for eight hours at a time and dream about the road but it’s better if i stick around and think about the other options instead of choosing what comes easily and maybe someday i’ll hop in my car and drive back down and try again you can always try again don’t let anybody tell you it’s the end of the road the road never ends unless life says you have to in this instance i’m the one who said when it’s a great thing it’s empowering to know i could make that call i’ll drop anything at any time and go no direction home no place to be just a long stretch of indiana highway maybe stop at a rest stop or two maybe there won’t be a shower maybe no one cries when i’m gone maybe no one returns no wonders when i’ll when i’ll return i’ll never see winter again and that the war stories watching things go down maybe i’ll never turn around
5.
Bodega 03:26
oh the best times we shared were shared under the faded awning of a bodega somewhere downtown and sippin’ on a couple of sodas and wondering about the lives we had ahead and it’s alright you and i would talk about our big big plans when we grow up to be big strong men and neither one of us lived up to our own expectations and the best times we had were sittin’ outside under that faded awning sippin’ sodas under that hot september sun we almost believed out own lies they weren’t lies they were ambitions it’s become a recurring fear i’ll never be able to recover the things we lost last year dreaming about it thinking about our time oh and you’re not here like you were all the time believin’ when we grew up we’d be better and we never got much better than we did that night we talked for hours underneath the stars watching planes land at dtc on the hood of the car like in that one movie you know the one we used to watch and quote all the time that was the life we’d lead and summer came and ended and took you away on that big propeller plane somewhere across the sea you never made it back your mother wasn’t quite the same when she got that folded flag and they said i’m sorry there was nothing we could do he was gone before we found him and you’d think i’d be able to cope with the loss of someone that i haven’t seen in seven years and every night it tears me up just knowing you’ll never come back here not again those best times of our lives were standing outside under faded awnings of the bodega downtown well we didn’t call it a bodega because god help us we’re in michigan here it’s a corner store but that didn’t matter to us
6.
Uninspired 03:34
7.
Criminal 01:45
fire in the air as the flames licked the sky and the kids in the basement were all burned alive as the bands that they loved played the songs that they sang to because nobody bothered to open a window the stairs were too narrow nobody could get out the doors and the rafters fell so did the all the other floors and we all sang along and we waited for death to take us off this mortal coil because we were poetic like that and everybody ran and we screamed and we held each other as the flames licked higher and higher and the ashes of merch scattered over the ten dollar t-shirts and that was great and i was alive for a minute or maybe two but not quite five and then i died and that’s the best part of this night was that not one of us made it out alive it’s better off we didn’t because nobody there was listenin’ to the bands and they played their songs except that one big hit we all heard on not the radio not mtv might’ve been blah blah blah blah blah
8.
Stretch 03:18
9.
War Stories 03:26
10.
Fairweather 07:08
the thrift store where we bought our clothes burned down and the winter winds are whipping through the smouldering grounds they said it’s just another business that can’t sustain itself another case of insurance fraud and negligence it’s the simple silence without you around it’s the awful feeling i let you down again i still have your school id on my nightstand i see your face and it’s comforting it really feels like home to me it’s like you left without a chance to grab your things it’s like you left without a chance to comfort me in the strange way the time seemed so fleeting and in the same way you didn’t say goodbye it seems that everyone’s logistics are figured out and i’m still trying to get out of my parents’ house it’s not failure to launch i’m still just a boy they say but everyone i know has gone and built their own homes no longer are the times we’d walk around at night the streetlamp glow surrounded your crooked smile a broken jaw and stitches a night in the hospital a few selected words and a silent drive back home and i saw what it meant to be you i knew you were just as lost as anyone i said this was just a bad idea this was a rush job this was the wrong time

about

Recently, I went on tour with some people who I greatly respect and whose bands I thoroughly enjoy, and on that trip I realized that touring is just not the life for me. So when I got home, I went to Guitar Center and exchanged my flight case for an acoustic guitar and started writing and recording. This is the outcome. Ten songs about life and loss and being a loser written over a week and recorded entirely in less than six hours.

They’re all very roughly mixed, and I’m sure I’ll hack out a few more before I get proper mixes done, but whatever. One of them is an old song I rerecorded, anyway. I cut it in my parents’ laundry room so the sound quality is pretty good for being recorded with the mic stand up next to a running furnace the whole time. Basically rather than put these under the Spelunking umbrella, where happy and melancholy can reside in perfect harmony, I gave it a different name because there’s nothing uplifting on here. On some songs my voice is weak because I feel weak and some songs it’s perfectly fine. That’s just life. I’m going to take it imperfections and all.

So yeah, I’m sure you’ve all got other music that is happy and not complete shit on the recording quality scale you’d rather be listening to. If not, go nuts.

credits

released March 22, 2014

Derek McNelly - Guitar, Vocals, Wurlitzer

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Lindera Detroit, Michigan

Lo-fi indie folk acoustic bullshit about life, loss, and being a loser.

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