Swear I'm Gonna Change

by Lindera

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Recently, I went on tour with some people who I greatly respect and whose bands I thoroughly enjoy, and on that trip I realized that touring is just not the life for me. So when I got home, I went to Guitar Center and exchanged my flight case for an acoustic guitar and started writing and recording. This is the outcome. Ten songs about life and loss and being a loser written over a week and recorded entirely in less than six hours.

They’re all very roughly mixed, and I’m sure I’ll hack out a few more before I get proper mixes done, but whatever. One of them is an old song I rerecorded, anyway. I cut it in my parents’ laundry room so the sound quality is pretty good for being recorded with the mic stand up next to a running furnace the whole time. Basically rather than put these under the Spelunking umbrella, where happy and melancholy can reside in perfect harmony, I gave it a different name because there’s nothing uplifting on here. On some songs my voice is weak because I feel weak and some songs it’s perfectly fine. That’s just life. I’m going to take it imperfections and all.

So yeah, I’m sure you’ve all got other music that is happy and not complete shit on the recording quality scale you’d rather be listening to. If not, go nuts.


released March 22, 2014

Derek McNelly - Guitar, Vocals, Wurlitzer



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Lindera Detroit, Michigan

Lo-fi indie folk acoustic bullshit about life, loss, and being a loser.

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Track Name: Indiana
somewhere along the all consuming flatness of the indiana farmlands
i think i lost myself in the longest stretch of highway known to man
a semi-paved cavernous stretch of ashpault spanned by cornfields
and dotted with monstanto signs

the fact that some folks choose to call this home
seems almost like they forgot
to try and find some place better when all along
maybe it’s the lonliness inside me that’s become to comfortable

and on that long and silent drive from terre haute to evansville
i contemplated is this really the prize
and on that long and silent drive from terre haute to evansville
i thought is this really all there is before you die

maybe it’s my sense of independence
that’s been playing with my thoughts
or maybe we should turn this van around and go back home
maybe we’ve been gone too long
maybe i’ve been gone too long
Track Name: Matchmaker
i’ve got two more stops
and i’ve already fallen in love a few times
based solely on her haircut or her pair of canvas shoes
and though the book she reads looks extra dry and long
she perserveres with her white headphones on
maybe i could do that too

maybe she’ll wait for me
or maybe she’s everything
but i’ll never know unless i wait and miss my stop
maybe she’ll miss hers and notice i’m from a different town
and maybe we can get food somewhere and sit and talk about
our hopes fears and ambitions

and maybe we could fall in love for real
but it’s better i get off at belmont and never say a word

but i missed the blue line i’ve been on the wrong train
so what’s the harm in looping ‘round again
Track Name: Housepainter
there’s times i like to think about
that night we painted terra’s house
and we touched each other
just like other lovers loved to touch each other

i thought how could i ever want for more
i don’t want anything more than this one night
but goddamn i wanted all
goddamn i want it all

though her and i were never lovers
just acquaintences who had a few too many
drinks of cherry wine and thought
maybe it’d be nice to let go for just one night

and sometimes i like to think about
that night we painted terra’s house
and touched each other
just like other lovers loved to touch each other
Track Name: Deposition
on the outskirts on the west end of town
pulling in to a driveway a long time gone
and the scenery
thinking about how great it is to be home again

been waiting a long time
to finally get back to the bed that i’ve been sleeping in for twenty years think about how nice it’ll be to have
a hot shower and a hot meal any time i wish

there’s part of me that will always wonder
if carrying on was a bad choice
but i’m glad i didn’t make it
i’m glad i stuck with my guts
maybe some day i’ll hit the road again and i’ll think about
all these times and these memories and friends that i’ve made
maybe it’s better if i left or it’s better if i stayed

back to the old grind again
black shoes black shirt black pants and an apron
stand over an espresso machine for eight hours at a time
and dream about the road

but it’s better if i stick around and think
about the other options instead of choosing what comes easily
and maybe someday i’ll hop in my car and drive back down
and try again you can always try again
don’t let anybody tell you it’s the end of the road
the road never ends unless life says you have to
in this instance i’m the one who said when

it’s a great thing

it’s empowering
to know i could make that call
i’ll drop anything at any time and go
no direction home no place to be
just a long stretch of indiana highway
maybe stop at a rest stop or two
maybe there won’t be a shower

maybe no one cries when i’m gone
maybe no one returns
no wonders when i’ll when i’ll return
i’ll never see winter again

and that the war stories
watching things go down
maybe i’ll never turn around
Track Name: Bodega
oh the best times we shared were shared under the
faded awning of a bodega somewhere downtown
and sippin’ on a couple of sodas
and wondering about the lives we had ahead
and it’s alright

you and i would talk about our big big plans
when we grow up to be big strong men
and neither one of us lived up to our own expectations

and the best times we had were sittin’ outside
under that faded awning
sippin’ sodas under that hot september sun
we almost believed out own lies
they weren’t lies they were ambitions

it’s become a recurring fear
i’ll never be able to recover the things we lost last year
dreaming about it
thinking about our time
oh and you’re not here like you were all the time
believin’ when we grew up we’d be better
and we never got much better
than we did that night
we talked for hours
underneath the stars watching planes land at dtc
on the hood of the car like in that one movie
you know the one we used to watch and quote all the time
that was the life we’d lead
and summer came and ended
and took you away on that big propeller plane
somewhere across the sea

you never made it back
your mother wasn’t quite the same
when she got that folded flag
and they said i’m sorry
there was nothing we could do
he was gone before we found him
and you’d think i’d be able
to cope with the loss of someone that i
haven’t seen in seven years
and every night it tears me up
just knowing you’ll never come back here
not again

those best times of our lives
were standing outside
under faded awnings
of the bodega downtown
well we didn’t call it a bodega
because god help us we’re in michigan
here it’s a corner store
but that didn’t matter to us
Track Name: Criminal
fire in the air as the flames licked the sky
and the kids in the basement were all burned alive
as the bands that they loved played the songs that they sang to
because nobody bothered to open a window

the stairs were too narrow
nobody could get out the doors
and the rafters fell
so did the all the other floors

and we all sang along
and we waited for death to take us off this mortal coil
because we were poetic like that

and everybody ran
and we screamed and we held each other
as the flames licked higher and higher
and the ashes of merch
scattered over the ten dollar t-shirts

and that was great
and i was alive
for a minute or maybe two but not quite five

and then i died

and that’s the best part of this night
was that not one of us made it out alive
it’s better off we didn’t
because nobody there was listenin’ to the bands
and they played their songs
except that one big hit we all heard on

not the radio
not mtv
might’ve been blah blah blah blah blah
Track Name: Fairweather
the thrift store where we bought our clothes burned down
and the winter winds are whipping through the smouldering grounds
they said it’s just another business that can’t sustain itself
another case of insurance fraud and negligence

it’s the simple silence without you around
it’s the awful feeling i let you down again

i still have your school id on my nightstand
i see your face and it’s comforting it really feels like home to me
it’s like you left without a chance to grab your things
it’s like you left without a chance to comfort me

in the strange way the time seemed so fleeting
and in the same way you didn’t say goodbye

it seems that everyone’s logistics are figured out
and i’m still trying to get out of my parents’ house
it’s not failure to launch i’m still just a boy they say
but everyone i know has gone and built their own homes

no longer are the times we’d walk around at night
the streetlamp glow surrounded your crooked smile
a broken jaw and stitches a night in the hospital
a few selected words and a silent drive back home

and i saw what it meant to be you
i knew you were just as lost as anyone
i said this was just a bad idea
this was a rush job
this was the wrong time